Our Baby

So in my last post I mentioned some ups and downs… I feel my Baby Boy deserves and entire post dedicated to him. On October 3rd, we lost our first born… He was 13 years old. He wasn't a human baby, but he was our baby. When we got him, he was too young to be taken from his biological mama, but the person was eager to get rid of him…he was the runt of the litter. I was 18–I knew nothing about puppies, or babies…But I took him, and my husband and I bottle fed him, and helped him grow into a handsome, strong and healthy little boy. He stole my heart, he was a great listener, a great cuddle buddy, and he was one of my best friends. Recently he had been declining in health and I knew our days together were numbered. My husband had warned me that he hadn't been acting himself, and he thought the time was near. On the day he passed, I came home from work and cuddled up with him, he hadn't moved all day, I knew in my heart this was our last day together–he'd cry to get up and he couldn't make it outside to relieve himself. Between the sheet changes (he had his own bed–picture a crib mattress with cute sheets), and the tears I was able to be with my baby in his last hours, he died in my arms. I lost part of my heart on October 3rd– with his passing, I miss him terribly, I try not to dwell on the fact that his isn't here. He is heaven running around, I just know it. He was such a loving boy. What I wouldn't give to clean up one of messes, or be nudged in the middle of the night to let him out. Unbeknownst to me (according to my husband) he used to come check on me in the middle of the night (not just when he had to go to the potty). They say with time it gets easier, I think that's partially true–the cuts not as deep, but in a way I think it gets more difficult, because the longing to see him gets greater.

To my baby:
I wasn't ready to see you run to heavens gate.
But God, he just couldn't wait.
I know he had a job in heaven for you to do.
And you, you were just waiting for your cue.
I cherish every moment we shared, there were lots of good times and for that I am glad.
The passing of you has left me so sad.
I will love you forever, and in my heart you will stay.
I will see you again one day!
Until we meet again my sweet baby boy ❤️
– JKHB

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Old Soul

There's been so much going on in my life…It's been and up and down roller coaster… God has been doing amazing things in my life– or I should saying putting me in amazing places, I just have to be still and let him place me where he wants me! Sometimes you just have to take your hands off the wheel and ask Jesus to take over. Believe it or not, I thought I could guide myself through this crazy thing called life– about a month ago it dawned on me that the motions I've been going thru weren't getting me where I wanted to be. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over with no results– and I'm very results driven so I need to see results to feel a sense of contentment. I remember laying in bed practically in tears asking God to fix the way I've felt, ever since then things have been changing and for the better… Unfortunately at this point I can only share a small portion of the excitement with you–but I promise when my blessings come I will let you know!!! I am claiming God's blessings, this is going to my year– I feel it, I think I was just looking in the wrong direction all along. My husband and I started a business in July and we had our first big sale last month which was absolutely amazing– someone reached out to us, we didn't pursue them!!!! In case you are wondering what kind of business we started, its a promotional marketing company, we specialize in helping companies get the attention they deserve with the use of promotional marketing items! You can check out our website at : http://www.jrayspromotions.com, our website does not show even 1/4 of what we have to offer, we have over 8000 items available and we deal with over 260 companies to find the best price and highest quality for our clients! I am not trying to sell anything to any of my readers or followers– just want to share a little about one of my new passions.

Any way the title is "Old Soul"…. I had to catch you all up on what this old soul has been up to. But more on why I feel like an old soul, for years I've known I was an old soul, but some days its more prevalent than others. Today is one of those days, as I sat here tonight and drank a whole pot of coffee listening to old classic rock songs, I realized I am really not the typical 31 year old. I am cautious sometimes to a fault, I watch what I do as to not injure myself, I like to make home cooked meals, I don't like the bar, I like to go to church, I like to have my towels neatly folded, I don't like to live out of a basket, I like our lawn nicely manicured, I almost always opt for French tips when I get my nails done, I get my hair highlighted to cover up the gray, I don't really blast my music anymore, and most recently I've taken a liking to BINGO.

I have a lot of my mind, so I plan one writing again very soon– it might even directly follow this post… (which actually in an effort to be transparent I started a few weeks ago, so I had to tweak it just a bit).

XOXO,

Gracefully Rambling

Making the most out of life, yet not living life to the fullest

Today my family laid a woman to rest who never got to live life to the fullest.  She made the most out of the life she had, but I was terribly saddened to think of the things she had never experienced in her 75 years of life.

She lived with my great grandparents until they passed away, while this wasn’t her choice she made the most of it.  She never had the chance to pick a place to call her home, she never had the chance to be married, or know the excitement that comes with someone slipping a diamond on your left ring finger.   I am saddened now that I didn’t get to know her better, I am even more saddened by the absence of living.  There were no late night pillow talks with a spouse, no marital arguing (while this isn’t a fun event, it makes you appreciate the good times), no bickering about what’s for dinner, or whose turn it is to let the dog out.  There was no picking out furniture, or even coming and going as she pleased.  I remember her pinching my cheeks, and her bright red lipstick–she was full of love.  Today she went to her resting place in style, in the back of a ’57 Chevy (I had seen it sitting out front of the funeral home, and was hoping that was the way she’d be getting to her final resting place.  For someone who never got a whole lot of living, I thought she deserved something cool like that)

Until we meet again Aunt Maria ❤️ 


I came across this quote today… after leaving the services, and returning home to rest after an emotional day, it hit me…about comfort zones and just making the most of your situation…  There is nothing wrong with making the most of whatever situation you are in, and I am encourage every one to do that–but we should never settle.  If we just settle, we may never accomplish all God has in store for us.  A person simply cannot just do what feels good and comfortable if they want to grow!  You need to take a leap of fate, and sometimes miss out on a few hours of sleep.  Just remember, what stands in front of you, is nothing compared to what is within you!

May God guide you through this awesome journey called life!

Xoxo,

Jackie

What’s my Purpose?

Have you ever found yourself wondering what your purpose was?  I used to constantly wonder why I existed, what was I put here to do?  Gradually over time I noticed that I always tried to help people, and then one day it became crystal clear–that was my purpose.  I’ve tried to go thru life, and just stay in my own lane…but I can’t.  

My most recent journey has been my journey to better health– I wrote briefly in a previous post about my wake up call.  I truly believe my wake up call saved my life!!!  I am now using my journey to try to inspire, and support others.  I know what it’s like to have never been skinny (ya know when someone who has always been relatively small, talks about their weight loss journey…and you are just over here like ahhh you only had 20 pounds to lose, try having 143 to lose and then let’s talk–that’s a real struggle), I know what it’s like to have my body fight my weight loss efforts– I have PCOS, I know what it’s like to be surrounded by people whom you adore and who adore you, but yet you feel alone, I know what it’s like to find comfort in food, I know what it’s like to buy big clothes, to wonder if you will fit on an amusement ride, to accept the sack of potatoes you’ve become, to be judged by your appearance, to be teased, ridiculed, to be told you’d be so pretty if you lost some weight, I know what it’s like to be your own biggest enemy, to be the queen of excuses, to have never worn a bikini in public, to not be able to get a shower and have the towel wrap all the way around you… the list is endless, and I am familiar with the way each of these things leaves your heart feeling.  I am a much different person than I was 2 months ago…  I’ve discovered an inner strength I didn’t know I had, a passion, a will power, the drive to hit my goals.  Our bodies are capable of so much more then we give them credit for.  

So you are probably wondering what this has to do with your purpose?  God gives us more then we can handle, encouraging us to include him in our lives and plans, and through him we are given the strength to handle what we initially thought was the impossible.  Often I pray that God uses me to spread his word, and to make a difference, and I have to think that this situation was God’s way of answering my prayers.  I am not perfect on my journey, and I don’t claim to be.  I do have a lot of passion, and a big heart.  I am focused on helping myself, and helping others become the best version of themselves– none of this would be possible without Christ who strengthens me.  

Now get out there and help someone!

If you are on a weight loss journey, please check out my fitness blog periodically for updates: choosetolivedontweight.wordpress.com, I also have a Facebook page called, Choose to live don’t weight, and if you need fitness help, I can be emailed at: choosetolivedontweight@gmail.com

God Bless,

Jackie

Blessed by His Mercy

So as I sit here and write, I don’t really know yet what I am going to title this post… Lucky, loved, blessed, Life is a gift, I made it, hmmm I really don’t know.

Again it’s been about a month since I’ve wrote… I need to get better at this stuff.  So everyone who reads this (except my mama) has no idea what the lady behind the screen looks like… While I am okay with that, what you might not know is that I am over weight (maybe I’ve written about it before, I don’t really recall). I guess I came to a point with my weight that I started to accept what I had become, what I made myself.  I have achieved most of what I have wanted in most facets of my life, there are a few things I’ve still been unable to conquer (my weight a huge one)…I’ve made excuse after excuse, my husband has accepted my body for what it is, and recently although I don’t really like what looks back at me when I look in the mirror I’ve learned to accept what I see.  Well my body had other plans, earlier this week my blood pressure went up (my mom checked hers, prompting me to check mine) so when I didn’t feel right yesterday I went to the doctors immediately.  My blood pressure was 190/132–they gave me medicine right at the doctors office, had me lay back and gave me more– if it went up when I got home I was instructed to go right to the ER.  While no one told me yesterday, I knew I was a stroke risk… Great news tonight it’s down, 149/98– it’s still high it won’t come down over night, but I have no choice but to change my life.  I will not become a statistic, I will not allow my family to see me go this way, I will not let my husband become a widow, I will not be who I was yesterday, I can change, and I will.  

I got an EKG today, I am really lucky, my ticker is working like it is supposed to, I haven’t damaged it with my unhealthy habits.  Lucky for me I don’t smoke or drink.  I was dealt a raw genetic deal, I have PCOS…but guess what I am not the first nor will I be the last, and guess what there are fit women with PCOS, I will no longer use that as a crutch.  I eat poorly, there I said it.  My addiction, coffee (but not just a little coffee) like 2 or 3 huge cups a day, preferably from Dunkin’ Donuts, flavored, with cream, and sugar…Today I got (gasp) a small coffee, skim milk, and Splenda.  That’s the first bit of caffiene I’ve had since Tuesday.  I have a stressful job (I am a banker), but guess what that stress is going to have to stay at the office– I can only focus on what I can change, I can’t focus on what I can’t.  I’m going to learn how to relax, because I really don’t know how–honestly I shouldn’t be overweight because I never sit still unless I am sleeping.  I’m going to learn to enjoy life’s finer things, the small important things that at the end of my life will be the big things, like taking a walk with my loved ones, being well read, smelling the flowers, watching my husband shoot an amazingly awesome game of pool (he’s going to score us a trip to Vegas, I just know it),  I am going to bask in puppy kisses, and I am going to hold my loved ones a few seconds longer.  So here’s to my journey, here’s to a new me (well the same me, just an improved version).  

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Philippians 4:13

I will be writing more about my journey to health, my faith, and family.  As always thanks for reading my inner thoughts.   (In the middle of writing this sentence my husband got an orange out of the fridge and said let’s share an orange–that’s what I am talking about, and wow that was the most delicious orange I’ve ever eaten…)

Much Love xoxo,

Jackie

Getting my voice back…

Hello to my handful of readers (you really are amazing to me, this is a passion of mine–and the fact that you are choosing to read my thoughts means a lot to me),

So I haven’t written in awhile…but then again you can see that.  My lack of putting my thoughts down wasn’t lack of thoughts, lack of time, or unwillingness.  I could process thoughts I just didn’t know how to convey them in a way others would understand.  My immediate family understands because they were there, but unless you lived it with us you probably won’t fully grasp just how gracious and merciful we believe God is.

I almost lost my father 3 times in the last 2 months,  before I get into my post  I will tell you he is doing much better and is on the road to recovery.  I had never seen my big strong dad so frail and weak.  Watching the man who goes out of his way to help others, the day saver, the man who shows up in a pinch, who is generous with his time (even if you hear him complain under his breath a little) fight for his life was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  To hear my dad tell the doctor the first time we thought he was recovering that he was happy he’d be here to protect his family, was kind and heart shattering all at the same time.  Little did we know he wasn’t on the road to recovery and we’d be back in the hospital in just another week or so with the same situation (for all that are wondering… bleeding ulcers are serious–if you think you have one seek immediate medical attention).  The visits all blend together, except for the last visit.  My mom called me just as she had the previous times, they’d called the ambulance and my dad was being rushed in, but this time in addition to the ambulance the paramedics came–this time was different.  When they finally let us in, I saw a scene I can’t get out my head– my dad in and out of consciousness, and the rest is much to graphic and much to difficult for me to type…  and you know what I did when I saw this– I ran away because I couldn’t accept the fact that there was nothing I could do to save the man, who had saved me more times than he had known.  It was the worst thing I have ever experienced to watch the man I have loved my entire life dying before my eyes.  I called my husband who doesn’t handle hospitals well or at all unless it’s me in there, and I cried, I sobbed, I thought I was losing my Dad…Well I don’t think, I know I was losing him.  My husband told me it would be okay, that this wasn’t the end–if I had ever wanted my husband to be right this was the time.  I will say there are angels that walk amongst us, and for my family there were the nurses in the ER that day, that saved my father, that gave him blood because was nearly depleted that thought quickly, while also treating us like humans and consoling us.  

I stayed in constant prayer, and I was often reminded to have faith in God– my mom reminded me frequently that God had the situation under control, and she was right.  While the situation was horrible, I will say it is in the darkness we find the light.  My family has always gotten along really well, I mean especially after I got past my teen years (sorry Mom and Dad–I was no walk in the park) but this whole situation brought us closer, I am not even sure how because I thought we were already as close as we could be but I was wrong.  It taught me a lot about life, life is too short and in a moment it can be gone.  The hospital is really good at saving people, but there are people that go there and don’t come out–after all that is why they have a morgue.  There are happy moments like births at the hospital, but there are also final breaths–and why thank God we didn’t have to experience that, I know others have and my heart hurts for them.  I know that what is in store for us after life on earth is so much grander than what we are living day in and day out, but its those that are left that suffer with the emptiness in their heart, the hole in their family that can’t be filled, the empty seat at Christmas, picking up the phone to call the person who is no longer there, or rolling over to kiss a spouse goodnight who is never coming home. 

So what I’ll close with is, life’s too short.  I’m a workaholic in highly competitive field, I never miss a day of work even when I am sick–I work tirelessly to hit my goals and to coach my associates to be the best they can be, but sometimes you have to put that aside and pick your family over your career (work will understand), while you love your friends it’s okay to pick your family over your friends (they’ll understand if they are real friends), don’t hang up or leave one another angry because in the blink of an eye life can change.  Make time for what matters, it isn’t the materialistic things–it’s the people in your life.  Broken relationship?  Repair it, if it’s repairable, and if it doesn’t threaten your sanity.  

So as you can see I’ve gotten my voice back, I can focus and concentrate on life and it’s beautiful crazy turns.

God Bless everyone.  Thank you Lord for your mercy and grace.

Sunday Morning Cinnamon Buns on Wednesday night…

Well I started writing this Sunday… and here we are at 11:30 PM on a Wednesday evening…

Originally written Sunday…

I’m sitting here at my kitchen table waiting for my Cinnamon Buns to rise so I can put them in the oven…I thought I’d picked a recipe in which I wouldn’t have to wait for them to rise…Oh boy was I wrong, an hour to rise, and then construct them, and then let them rise another half hour…I picked the recipe that uses a box of cake mix as part of the ingredients because it seemed like the easiest choice on this sleepy Sunday Morning… I definitely would have picked another recipe if I had of read this one in it’s entirety before I committed to making it…  I guess we’ll see how it comes out, these were intended to be breakfast today–at this rate it’ll be lunch.

I suppose life is much like my Cinnamon Buns,  you really don’t know how it’s going to turn out you just hope and pray for the best.  Two people can follow life’s recipe but if Person (1) adds a little extra sugar, and Person (2) doesn’t put enough sugar in they have a whole different tasting cinnamon bun!!!

Fast forward to Wednesday… The buns came out okay, but not cooked enough in the middle, but in their defense, my patience was running thin…I just wanted to take them out of the oven.  Does your patience run thin in life?  I know mine often does…But I am learning everything is God’s timing.  You need to cherish every second, and be thankful for what you are blessed with and what you aren’t blessed with.  Not everything is for everyone, I no longer pray for what I want, I pray for what God wants me to have, God knows what is best for me.  I pray for God to use me, in what ever mission he has in mind. My heart and mind is open, and I am learning to listen when he’s trying to speak to me.  So next time you are rushing perfection (God’s timing), sit back and just enjoy the ride…The big man upstairs has it all figured out.

Xoxo,

Gracefullyrambling