Wondering but not worrying…

So I have some pretty heavy stuff going on in my life right now.  My family is well, our health is good…I just have some other stuff going on but that’s neither here nor there–it just brings my most recent exchange with God.  Worrying is a tool of the devil.  God doesn’t want us to worry.  So today I am giving all my worries to God.

Lately I’ve been down on myself…Thing that I should be further in life, career wise and I should have more money saved for a rainy day then I do.  You see in roughly two months I will be 30 years old–or 30 years young however you want to look at it.  I am not what I would consider accomplished– I didn’t finish school, I don’t earn six figures, my car is worn out, I am not a size 2, we don’t take lavish vacations to Caicos, our house is small…Yada, yada, yada…I told my mother today how I didn’t feel like my happy old self…I had no one to blame, especially because life lately has been just how I wanted it… I wanted nothing more in life than to marry my best friend–I had checked that off my list nearly two years ago…I had wanted nothing more than to have an amazing relationship with my parents–I’ve had that for as long as I could remember.  I thought the void in my life was God– and it turns out while although I wasn’t as close as I wanted to be with him (this relationship is constantly evolving and it’s amazing), I was pretty steady in my faith.  So where my sadness and this impending feeling of doom was coming from I had no idea.  After a good long talk with my mom while driving home this afternoon (not once did she ever tell me I was nuts, or ungrateful) she brought to light the fact that I have way more than I thought.

I’ll touch on all the things I thought made me less of a person than the next 30 year old:

I didn’t finish school–but I have skills, and they are pretty darn marketable if I do say so myself.  I can write and communicate professionally and effectively.  I am a people person, and after I’ve helped you with your situation you’ll walk out my office feeling like the most important person on the face of the earth or at the very least like your banker cares about you–because truth be told I do.

I don’t earn six figures–but I do make an honest living.  Many may say banker and honest don’t belong in the same sentence–I beg to differ.  My job is to help you make sound financial choices, I wouldn’t recommend something to you that I wouldn’t recommend to my own family.  I believe in what my company offers hence while I sit behind the desk I do. So while I don’t make six figures, I make a honest living in which I am able to put a roof over our heads, and food in our bellies.

My car is worn out–but I have one…I’ll leave this one alone, I am thankful to have 4 wheels–paid for with no payments, the day is coming when old Gertrude is going to have to be put to rest…I am just asking her to give me like 3 more years…I am not ready to get a new set of wheels yet.  Oh Ms. Gertrude lets make it through at least 1/3 of my 30’s together…

I am not a size 2–nor have I ever been, nor will I ever be.  This is me…I want to get healthy, I want to be smaller…But I don’t need to fit in with what society wants me to be, my husband thinks I’m pretty, my family still loves me…I just want to get healthy, that’s it!

The lavish vacations–while these would be nice, it’s just not me…I like to be home by the time the sun goes down.  I am in my pajamas before the street lights come on unless I am stuck at the office.  The only place I have a yearning to go every so often is to Destin, FL.  Is it lavish?  No…but when my heart wants to wander when I need a get-away, it’s where I’m destined to be, and it’s pretty darn exhilarating to me!

My house is small–but it’s warm and it’s cozy.  It’s ours.  My family helped pick it out, my mother handled most of the paperwork, my grandparents gave me the down payment, my dad painted the walls, my husband put his love into making it “Our Home”…It’s home…and without my family, it wouldn’t be anything.

So I guess what I am saying is I am not going to worry about the future, worry about the past, punish myself for what I consider are my “wrong doings” or “short comings”.  I am going to be thankful for each thing I have taken for granted and thought made me less of a “30 year old”.

I’ll wonder about my future, our future, but I won’t worry!

God Bless you all,

Jackie

My hiatus…

I took a pause, but I am back!!!!

So I haven’t written in a little over a year.  I feel like I owe some type of explanation as in why I haven’t sat down to pen my heart out to you.  I know of one faithful reader, my mom who often encourages me to write and reminds me to write–and still the words haven’t flowed from my fingers.  My mother enjoys my writing so if no one else ever reads what I’m thinking that’s okay, just as long mother can read my inner most thoughts.

My mother–the woman who doesn’t judge me no matter how much she has a right to (after all she did bring me into this world)…My mother is amazing and there is simply no better word to describe her, I tell the woman virtually everything and if there’s something I missed out I’m sure she’ll read it here.  I do feel that I write better than I can speak, maybe that’s because my mouth moves faster than my brain during conversation, but when writing my brain, my fingers, and my eyes can dance like a well-choreographed dance team.

So a lot has gone on in the last year, but then again I feel like nothing has changed.  My home life is good–every day I fall deeper in love with my husband, and I wonder how on earth did I end up with such amazing fur babies.  I started two home based businesses- Origami Owl and Younique Make-up.  I was drawn to Origami Owl, because it’s about putting your story in a locket–and we all have a story!  I fell in love with Younique by accident–I love the confidence it brings to women. I am still working in a Bank and loving what I do there. But this blog really isn’t about how I’m doing financially–because you know what…Yes you are going to hear a banker predominantly in a sales position say this…There is more to life than money, yes it’s needed to survive…but there is so much more…there is family, friends, and JESUS….

There is JESUS!!!  The biggest change in my life in the last year is that I have gone back to church.  I’ve done this several times, but this time is different–I am on my path to Jesus with my Mom!!!  I am not trying to bargain with Jesus as I have done so many times before…You know the way it goes, I’ll do this Jesus if you give me this…But the truth is everything, and I mean EVERYTHING is in his timing.  I am no longer praying for God to give me anything specific just to watch over my loved ones and I.  I am asking him to put me where HE WANTS me, and I am asking HIM to USE ME as HE SEES fit.  I’ve noticed some positive changes in me, but as Matchbox Twenty would say…”I’m still trailer trash in new shoes”…And just to clarify I am not judging you or calling you trash if you live in a trailer–it’s just lyrics from my all-time favorite band.  I have a lot more work that needs to be done with myself: I still curse too much, and sometimes judge others, and sometimes I say mean things… The beautiful thing about Jesus is that he has already forgiven me for my wrong doings I just pray that he makes me more wholesome every day!

Yours Truly,

Gracefully Rambling