Getting my voice back…

Hello to my handful of readers (you really are amazing to me, this is a passion of mine–and the fact that you are choosing to read my thoughts means a lot to me),

So I haven’t written in awhile…but then again you can see that.  My lack of putting my thoughts down wasn’t lack of thoughts, lack of time, or unwillingness.  I could process thoughts I just didn’t know how to convey them in a way others would understand.  My immediate family understands because they were there, but unless you lived it with us you probably won’t fully grasp just how gracious and merciful we believe God is.

I almost lost my father 3 times in the last 2 months,  before I get into my post  I will tell you he is doing much better and is on the road to recovery.  I had never seen my big strong dad so frail and weak.  Watching the man who goes out of his way to help others, the day saver, the man who shows up in a pinch, who is generous with his time (even if you hear him complain under his breath a little) fight for his life was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  To hear my dad tell the doctor the first time we thought he was recovering that he was happy he’d be here to protect his family, was kind and heart shattering all at the same time.  Little did we know he wasn’t on the road to recovery and we’d be back in the hospital in just another week or so with the same situation (for all that are wondering… bleeding ulcers are serious–if you think you have one seek immediate medical attention).  The visits all blend together, except for the last visit.  My mom called me just as she had the previous times, they’d called the ambulance and my dad was being rushed in, but this time in addition to the ambulance the paramedics came–this time was different.  When they finally let us in, I saw a scene I can’t get out my head– my dad in and out of consciousness, and the rest is much to graphic and much to difficult for me to type…  and you know what I did when I saw this– I ran away because I couldn’t accept the fact that there was nothing I could do to save the man, who had saved me more times than he had known.  It was the worst thing I have ever experienced to watch the man I have loved my entire life dying before my eyes.  I called my husband who doesn’t handle hospitals well or at all unless it’s me in there, and I cried, I sobbed, I thought I was losing my Dad…Well I don’t think, I know I was losing him.  My husband told me it would be okay, that this wasn’t the end–if I had ever wanted my husband to be right this was the time.  I will say there are angels that walk amongst us, and for my family there were the nurses in the ER that day, that saved my father, that gave him blood because was nearly depleted that thought quickly, while also treating us like humans and consoling us.  

I stayed in constant prayer, and I was often reminded to have faith in God– my mom reminded me frequently that God had the situation under control, and she was right.  While the situation was horrible, I will say it is in the darkness we find the light.  My family has always gotten along really well, I mean especially after I got past my teen years (sorry Mom and Dad–I was no walk in the park) but this whole situation brought us closer, I am not even sure how because I thought we were already as close as we could be but I was wrong.  It taught me a lot about life, life is too short and in a moment it can be gone.  The hospital is really good at saving people, but there are people that go there and don’t come out–after all that is why they have a morgue.  There are happy moments like births at the hospital, but there are also final breaths–and why thank God we didn’t have to experience that, I know others have and my heart hurts for them.  I know that what is in store for us after life on earth is so much grander than what we are living day in and day out, but its those that are left that suffer with the emptiness in their heart, the hole in their family that can’t be filled, the empty seat at Christmas, picking up the phone to call the person who is no longer there, or rolling over to kiss a spouse goodnight who is never coming home. 

So what I’ll close with is, life’s too short.  I’m a workaholic in highly competitive field, I never miss a day of work even when I am sick–I work tirelessly to hit my goals and to coach my associates to be the best they can be, but sometimes you have to put that aside and pick your family over your career (work will understand), while you love your friends it’s okay to pick your family over your friends (they’ll understand if they are real friends), don’t hang up or leave one another angry because in the blink of an eye life can change.  Make time for what matters, it isn’t the materialistic things–it’s the people in your life.  Broken relationship?  Repair it, if it’s repairable, and if it doesn’t threaten your sanity.  

So as you can see I’ve gotten my voice back, I can focus and concentrate on life and it’s beautiful crazy turns.

God Bless everyone.  Thank you Lord for your mercy and grace.